Boundaries: Saying "No" So Your "Yes" Can Mean More

How to Preserve Your Energy and Prioritize Your Well-being

You pride yourself on being there for everyone. You love when people ask you for help or to join them for something fun. You get to say “yes,” and you know it makes them happy. Maybe you’re saying “yes” to babysitting a niece or nephew. Or you’re saying “yes” to going out for drinks with a friend who just moved back to town. It could be a constant “yes” at work when your coworker asks you to take on another task they don’t have time for.

None of these things are inherently bad. You’re doing things to help others. You’re spending quality time with your friends. You’re caring for loved ones. Saying “yes” can be good, and often leads to good memories and experiences.

You also thrive on being someone that others can count on. You want to know that others value your support. It’s rewarding to know you’ve done something to help someone you love.

But this might go a little too far for you sometimes. You find yourself saying “yes” to everyone. You move your schedule around so much that you get home at the end of the day with no time to do your laundry or dishes, much less any time to rest. A few days go by and you think to yourself, “When’s the last time I did something for me?” or “When’s the last time I washed my hair?”

You’re exhausted. And beyond that, you start to feel resentful, needing some quiet time for yourself.

Or you have a hard day yourself, and feel bitter when the ones you love don’t show up for you the same way you’d show up for them.

You begin to put a lot of expectations into the return on your actions, and you feel more frustrated. That’s when you know your people-pleasing has gone too far. You’ve spiraled into the pit of resentment, feeling guilty for wanting to back out of your commitments, and knowing you’ve stretched yourself too thin.

The Importance of Setting Boundaries

Boundaries are essential for maintaining a healthy balance between helping others and taking care of yourself. When you set limits and say “no” to the activities that you can’t find energy for, you’re preventing burnout.  By setting clear boundaries, you can protect your well-being and still be there for the people you care about.

So how can you learn when to start saying no?

First, recognize the signs that you’re over committed.

The first step in setting boundaries is recognizing when you are overcommitting yourself. Pay attention to how you feel and the energy you have (or don’t have). If you often feel exhausted, resentful, or overwhelmed, it may be a sign that you need to set limits and say “no” to a few things.

Embrace the power of “no”.

Saying "no" can be difficult, especially for those of us who identify as “people-pleasers”. But it's important to remember that saying "no" is not you rejecting the person asking for your help. Saying “no” is you protecting your energy so that you can give your best self when you do say "yes." So remember, “no” does not equal rejection. “no”= protection.

Identify your priorities.

You can often know when to say no by evaluating your priorities. What is most important to you? Maybe it’s your family, your health, your work, your friendships, or something else. Keep your priorities and values at the center of your decision-making. If something doesn’t align with your priorities, and it’s going to take more energy than you can easily give, it’s a firm “no.” If something is aligned with your priorities, but you can’t do it without sacrificing something else, take time to assess which option is best for you to maintain your needs while caring for your loved ones.  Some things aren’t going to be clearcut, so you have to check in with yourself and your energy levels, and ask- “If I say yes to this now, how am I going to feel in a day? In a week? What do I have to give up in order to say yes?” You may find that it’s better to say no, and preserve your yes for something higher on your priority list.

Ok, I know this is all easier said than done, right? So what does it look like to actually say no confidently and with love?

Clear communication is key.

Be direct, and remember, you don’t owe everyone an explanation. You can choose to explain yourself, but you don’t have to justify your needs or your “no”.

Instead of “I’m so sorry, I wish I could but I have a, b, and c going on right now and I just have no idea how to make it all work” or “Yes! I’d love to” then regretting it immediately, try:

“I am not able to put the energy toward this that I’d like to, but thank you for thinking of me” or “I wish I could but I can’t at this time. I hope you’re able to find someone else to help you with this” or “Unfortunately, I can’t take this on right now, but I’d still love to be considered in the future” or simply, “No”.

Again, what matters is that you are clear with your no. Assertiveness is being kind to others, while setting boundaries that are kind to yourself.

Saying no takes work

You may feel awkward or guilty at first for setting boundaries and saying no to more things. But don’t give up or give in. As you establish your limits and prioritize your energy, notice how you feel. Do you feel happier or more positive in the times you are able to say yes? Do you feel more well-rested or energetic with your time? Over time, you may notice the benefits of setting realistic limits for yourself, and saying “no” will become easier. So keep trying. When guilt creeps in and the people-pleasing tendencies want to take hold, remind yourself that you are deserving of love and care, just like you want to give love and care to others. You can’t be your best for others if you aren’t first caring for yourself. Keep saying no when you need to. Your future self will appreciate the work you put in to setting limits.

Keep showing up

Boundary-setting isn’t a one time experience, or a one-size-fits-all experience. Keep paying attention to your needs and how you show up for yourself. Find the limits that work for you. As you say “no” to the activities that don’t align with your energy, you can show up better to the things that do. Pay attention to the new ways you’re able to say “yes”.

What will change when you start saying “no”?

The Benefits of Boundaries

People-pleasing has its perks, but what’s more important is you taking care of yourself. And when you start to say “no” and stand firm with your limits, you’ll begin to see how boundaries can make your “yes” better.

When you’re not overcommitted, you may find you’ll have more energy and time for the things that matter most to you.

Your relationships can also improve when you set boundaries. I know it sounds weird, to think that saying no can make your relationships better. But when you’re not feeling stuck and resentful, you are free to be more engaged and connected, and say yes to quality time with loved ones.

By saying no and setting boundaries, you become more intentional with your yes. Your well-being can improve when you focus your time and energy on the activities and relationships that mean the most to you. Your yes is then a reflection of your values, instead of an automatic, exhausting, time-suck. You’ll likely find that you feel better, more positive, and enjoy activities more when your yes means more.

 So keep it up- you deserve to live a life with your priorities aligned with your values, and boundaries that give you the freedom to take care of you.

TL;DR:

Setting boundaries and saying "no" can be challenging, but it's essential for you to feel better and have healthier relationships. Recognizing the signs of overcommitment, embracing "no," and knowing your priorities helps you to get clear about your boundaries. Be direct and keep showing up for yourself. When you take these steps, you’ll find you’re more easily able to say “yes” to things that matter more.