How to Cope when Things Feel out of Control

Is it just me, or do things feel like they are spiraling out of control around us right now?

Life is heavy. There’s global conflict. No one’s getting along and everyone is acting like feral kindergarteners set free on a playground for the first time. It’s chaos (and that’s putting it lightly).

It’s hard to look around and not feel anxious.

You sometimes feel like you’re going crazy. The stress of your life, work, family, trying to be healthy, practicing self-care (yeah, right), piled on top of the stress you feel every time you open social media and see all the bad things happening; it all feels like too much.

What’s next? The spiraling. It all feels out of control. That’s usually when our brains focus on the bad and let worry set in. Catastrophizing takes over.

Here’s what I’ve learned: we can’t change everything, but we can always do something.

Maybe it starts small, but eventually, everyone doing something can change a lot of things.

So what does that look like for you, right here, right now? How can you cope when things feel out of control?

Let’s begin with looking at the smallest first step you can take. It’s easy, when life feels overwhelming, to get frozen- everything feels too big and you don’t know where to start.

Here’s your first step:

Remember that you can only control yourself. Disappointing, I know. We want so badly to make big changes, and yet truly the only thing we can control is what we do. So, when everything feels big and scary, stop and remember (say it out loud if you need) “The only thing I can control is myself”. Take a few deep breaths and let that sink in.

Ok, so now that you’ve remembered that you can only control yourself, let’s explore the parts of you that you can control.

1.      Your actions.

You can control what you do. You can control how you respond in ways that align with your values. You can choose how you model to your children how they can cope with big, scary, stressful, global situations.

When the world’s problems weight heavy on your chest and everything feels hopeless, you can control what you do. You can choose to get off of social media. You can choose to find organizations that do align with your values, and to volunteer your time and resources. You can choose to advocate for what you believe in (even if others disagree with you).

You can choose to find joy in your world- time with your kids, laughing with your partner, your inner creativity. There’s still a world of joy to be found in your soul.

2.      How you process your thoughts.

You can control how you process your thoughts. Anxiety has a way of freezing us sometimes. We get overwhelmed, we get sucked into the spiral, and we feel helpless. We don’t know what to do to, and we begin to believe the lie that we cannot do anything. Our children see us freeze up and get frustrated. They hear our aggravated tones and see us trying to control our environment because helplessness set in. So, check your thought process:

• Recognize your thoughts. What do you currently believe about your place in the world, in your community right now?           

  Your negative thoughts are valid, too. We don’t want to be stuck in them, and we don’t want to act out of negativity, but it’s ok that you have some negative thoughts right now. Remind yourself, it won’t be forever.

• Now that you have slowed down enough to name your thoughts, what is it you want to think instead? Just trying to stop one thought isn’t enough- something will take its place. But you have control over that- you can choose to keep finding the thought you want to focus on, to meditate on. Maybe the thought you choose is “I can do something” or “There is light and hope and goodness in my actions”. Then look around for what reinforces that- where do you see the goodness? Where do you see your ability to do something?

  It may not be easy. Negative thoughts like to be intrusive, and may keep popping in. But you have the power to continue recognizing them, processing them, and choosing your focus.

3.      How you experience and move through your feelings.

You may not be able to control what you feel all the time, but you can control how you hold and experience your feelings.

So often when we have big feelings, especially ones that seem negative, we want to push them down, or pretend they aren’t there. We try to focus only on the positive without acknowledging the very real, valid, emotional experiences we’re in.

You have the control to change this. When you have a feeling that seems bad or difficult, you can create the space needed to process it. Maybe you’re feeling sad, grief, afraid, hopeless, powerless. Those feelings are there for a reason. They’re seeking space because they have something to say. Trying to ignore them will only make the despair worse.

You are in control of how you acknowledge your feelings. You can choose to notice them, and even to appreciate them for what they are. Sadness usually happens when we care. Powerlessness shows up when we desire change. Fear comes when our bodies and brains see a threat.

All of these emotions want to say something to you. Notice them. Sit with them. Then notice what they mean. What is it that you want to do out of these feelings? What is it that you need to grieve, or allow yourself to process? How can your feelings now inform your actions? How does your own emotional experience create an opportunity for you to teach your kids about emotions?

This is what it all comes back to- finding what you have control over.

You have the power to choose what you do, to listen to your gut, and to act in ways that align with your values. When everything around you is spiraling into a pit of despair, you can bring the hope, the peace, and the change. Maybe it starts in your own backyard, in tiny glimmers of joyful conversations, in laughter with your family, in small movements in your community with your closest friends. You’re controlling what you do in the midst of spiraling negativity, and how you cope when things feel out of control. You’re taking your power back, allowing yourself the full experience of your emotions, and reclaiming your voice.

TL;DR:

When life feels scary and overwhelming, and so many things feel like they’re spinning out of control, you can be grounded in remembering that you can only control yourself. You can control:

• Your actions

• How you process your thoughts

• How you hold and move through your feelings

In creating space for yourself to grieve and move through the overwhelm, you are creating space for your family to cope and find hope, too.