How to stop getting angry and start keeping your cool with your kids
Staying calm when you’re stressed
Sometimes we lose our cool, especially when we’ve had a stressful workday, we’re operating on little sleep, and we just repeated ourselves for the 10,000th time asking the kids to pick up their toys.
If you’re reading this, I’m sure you’ve been there too. You don’t want to sound “mean” or fuss at your kids. You want to be pleasant and really embrace the whole gentle parenting thing. But it can feel impossible when you’re already at your wit’s end.
But it isn’t hopeless. You can start changing how you show up and how you keep calm. It’s not going to be a perfect process, but we’ll begin with small steps and help you build and internal system for navigating the stress when it hits.
You can download a printable, shorter, more condensed guide to keeping your cool here.
In this blog, I’ll break those steps down in more detail and walk you through how to build self-awareness, move through frustration, and find your calm.
How to Stay Calm with Your Kids When You’re Stressed Out
Identify your sources of frustration.
This is the first step in keeping cool- being aware of what stresses you out. Grab a notepad and paper, or the notes app in your phone, for this step.
What are your button-pushers? The things others do that really irritate you? Name them; write them down, put them in a note. Get really specific on what the biggest irritations are for you. The more you name them, the more you can recognize them and work with yourself, instead of letting them control you.
Is it your kid ignoring instructions? Is it seeing laundry on the floor after you’ve asked 3 times for it to be put away? Is it when you’re finally sitting down to dinner and everyone is on their phones?
Are there certain times of the day that are more stressful or you? For example, I am not a morning person. I do my best to be chill in the mornings and get everyone out the door with kindness, but I’ve learned that I am my grumpiest self at 6am, so it’s best for me to say less. What are the times of the day, or days throughout the week, that you hold the most frustration?
Notice your signs of stress.
Once you begin to recognize what frustrates you, it’s also necessary to turn that inward and notice how you can tell that you’re frustrated.
How do you recognize your buttons are being pushed? What do you notice? Is it anger, physical tension, you raising your own voice before you can stop it? Maybe it shows up as a tightness, tension in your chest. Or you see red and feel the urge to yell until someone listens.
Don’t be hard on yourself- sometimes we don’t realize we’re frustrated until it’s showing. You aren’t perfect. You’ll make mistakes. That’s ok. Don’t let that stop you from showing up for yourself and your family. Keep trying to notice sooner. What is the very first thing that tells you you’re heading toward frustration?
Slow it down.
This next step is crucial. Once you can name and notice what is happening around you, and what leads to you losing your sense of calm, you can slow that down. This is your chance to reset.
The more you become aware of your own signs of frustration, use those as signals to slow down. As soon as you notice the inner tension or frustration, take a step back. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, even walk away if you need. Give yourself space to lessen your reactivity. Set a timer for 3 minutes (or even 1 minute!), close your eyes, take some slow, deep, belly-filling breaths.
Name what’s really going on.
I know it seems like I keep telling you to name things and notice things. But this is where the deeper work can begin to happen, and you can create some real shifts in thinking. This might not happen in the moment when you’re annoyed (and trying to manage the kids!). But you can take time, maybe later in the evening, to reflect on what is going on for you.
When you get frustrated, what are you actually feeling? Are you overstimulated in that moment? Are you angry and feeling unheard because you keep having to repeat yourself? Or maybe feeling alone and disconnected from your partner while trying to manage everything else? Try to name what is driving your irritation, what is under the surface. It’s normal to be annoyed at things, but sometimes when that frustration really builds up, it’s a symptom of a deeper issue. If you’re feeling lonely, unseen, worried, disconnected, or whatever else you realize, it’s important to know that and be able to recognize when it’s showing up.
Communicate what you really need.
This is where you take all the internal information you’ve learned up to this point and communicate it with your loved ones.
Yelling about how frustrated you are will get you nowhere. In fact, you’ve probably noticed that all it does is leave your whole family feeling frustrated and exhausted. Instead, communicate what you’ve reflected on. If you realized you were overstimulated, you can say “I’m sorry I got frustrated with you. I realize I need a few minutes of quiet to self-regulate.”
If you’re feeling unheard and upset that you repeat yourself so much, are you asking your family to actually listen the first time you say something? It will be easier for them to listen if you’re also communicating calmly. You can calmly say “it hurts my feelings when I have to repeat myself so many times. I feel unheard. I’m going to work on speaking more calmly. I would also like it if you would work on listening and answering me the first time I say something.”
Or if you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, you can share that with them. “I’m realizing I'm irritable and seem grumpy because I actually feel lonely and haven’t gotten quality time with you lately. Can we take a few minutes to chat before bed tonight?”
Whatever it is, communicate your needs, and do so calmly and with care. This helps you to get what you need, and it also teaches your children clear communication skills.
Repair if needed.
Maybe you did lose your cool and raise your voice. It’s ok; no one is perfect and you’re going to mess up sometimes. So keep showing up and doing the work to communicate clearly. But if you do have a rough moment, take time to repair that too. Apologize to your kids. And yes, you can apologize while still setting appropriate limits with their behavior.
It might sound something like “I’m sorry I lost my cool just now and raised my voice. I can see that bothered you. I felt frustrated when you didn’t follow directions. While I still expect you to behave with respect and follow directions, I will change how I talk with you and I will work on staying calm.”
Learn what you can do moving forward.
If you did lose your cool, use it as a learning opportunity. Repair, take time to care for yourself, and then reflect on what you can do differently. How can you notice your warning signs sooner? Did you take on too much and your experience of burnout led you to blowing up? That’s your sign to take better care of yourself and set boundaries that allow for rest. Is there something you can structurally change about your routine that allows you to have more calm and feel less rushed and chaotic?
And when things do go well and you manage to stay calm, learn from that too! What went well? What did you do differently that helped you to stay calm and communicate clearly with your family? How can you keep doing that more often?
Move forward with the purpose to show up with more calm and care for your family, and more grace for yourself, even on the tough days.
TL; DR:
Download the guide to keeping your cool HERE and take these steps to help you learn how to stay calm and communicate clearly when you’re frustrated with your family:
Identify your sources of frustration
Notice your signs of stress
Slow it down to lessen reactivity
Name what’s really going on
Communicate what you need
Repair with loved ones
Use it as a learning opportunity moving forward