How to Make Friends as a Busy Mom
Finding friends is hard to do, especially when you’re busy with work and your family. Your social life often takes a hit and gets bumped lower on the priority list.
You’re often busy, whether working, or being the coordinator for your kids and all of their social activities, it can feel almost impossible to find your people and fit into a community.
But at the same time, friendships can help so much in giving you support and helping you keep your head on straight when everything else in life is driving you crazy.
In my experience, female friendships can be some of the most empowering, supportive, and loving places to land. Whether you have a partner or not, maintaining friendships can still be a vital part of your daily life.
So let’s talk about how you can find and create friendships, so you don’t have to adult alone.
Start with where you are, and where you want to be.
If you are often at your kids’ activities, look around for other parents. For example, if your child is involved in sports/extracurriculars, try to meet other parents. There’s a good chance that if you live near each other, and your children do sports together, you’ll see them in future sports seasons.
You can also think about where else you run into people who do similar things.
Do you want to join a book club and meet other readers?
Are you interested in a sport, or other hobby? Look for local adult league rec sports, running clubs, or whatever it is that floats your boat.
Social media has its downsides, but it can also be useful. Look for local groups that you’re interested in. You can check social media sites other websites like meetup, or even go to your local library and see if they offer classes or activities.
Small steps in building connection.
It can feel intimidating to put yourself out there, so it’s going to take some courage. But that can also start small. Just because you meet someone who seems friendly does not mean you need to immediately commit to a deep, lifelong friendship.
Take small steps to get to know someone. Once you’ve met, suggest getting a coffee together, or going for a walk. Schedule a playdate for the kids.
It can feel weird to think of it as dating, but in some ways it’s similar. You’re not jumping into a lifelong commitment. You’re simply getting to know people.
Keep in mind your values and lifestyle.
As you get to know someone, think about if a friendship with them would align with your values and lifestyle.
Is this a person you feel you can trust? Is it someone you want to share in the ups and downs of parenting with? Is it someone who can understand and empathize with you in the struggle of a work-life balance? When you’re loaded in mom-guilt, and need friends who can understand and support you in speaking truth and self-compassion, is this a person you want in that circle?
Friends don’t have to be identical to you in every way. It’s good to have friends who think differently, challenge you, and whose lives look different from yours. But, it is also helpful if you have some shared values and can support and understand each other.
Be yourself.
This all sounds a bit self-explanatory, but I’ve learned that sometimes, we need a reminder. A good, true friend is someone you don’t have to hide yourself around. The last thing you want when you finally have a girls night is to feel like you have to fake it. You’re on 100% of the time, and you deserve a space in friendship to show up in your pajamas, maybe with some lingering frustration from the day, and find some support and laughter.
Sure you’ll still have boundaries (we’ll get to that) but don’t go into a new friendship pretending or feeling like you have to fake it. If that friendship continues and deepens, you’ll want to be comfortable as yourself. So don’t be afraid to be upfront as who you are.
Be a good friend.
If you want good friends as a mom, be that good friend. Think of what your challenges and struggles are. It’s possible that your friends are going through similar things. Be open and present in sharing in the struggle, being a good sounding board and listener for your friends.
Pay attention to their lives and what’s going on, and how you can support them. Maybe it’s offering to babysit one night, or suggesting a large group dinner for kids to play while adults hang out. Whatever it is, remember that friendship isn’t one-sided.
Maintain boundaries.
Boundaries may change over time as you get to know someone more, but remember, boundaries are always important.
If you’re meeting someone for the first few times, and hoping it turns into a more important friendship, still remember that this person does not need to be your everything, and you can’t be their everything. Don’t dump your life on to them, and don’t feel like you have to drop everything to answer their text.
Especially as moms, it’s easy to fall into a trap of being desperate for connection, when we feel like were drowning in the mundane tasks and the exhausting daily parenting challenges. Remember, true, lasting friendships have boundaries and respect for each other’s needs.
TL; DR:
Adult friendships are hard to find and hard to keep. But they are also incredibly life-giving, and living in community is important. Here are key factors to keep in mind when seeking friendship:
Start with where you are, and where you want to be.
Take small steps in building connection.
Keep your values in mind.
Be yourself.
Be a good friend to others.
Maintain boundaries, even if those boundaries change over time.