Mom-Guilt: Moving Forward on Stressful Days
How to move from mom-guilt to repair and growth after you misstep with your kids
We’ve all been there. You snapped at your kids and sent them off to school with everyone feeling the tension of a grumpy morning. You got them tucked into bed at night and realized you (and the kids) were grumpy all day.
You know a repair is needed, but now you’re beating yourself up for not making every moment you have with them perfectly pleasant, and you can feel the shame spiral begin to pull you in.
Here's the thing- you can’t change that. You can’t go back, change time, and relive the day with a better attitude. You can only move forward. So how you move forward is important.
You could wallow in self-pity, letting shame and guilt take over until you’ve just decided you’re going to be a shitty mom for a few days. That probably isn’t your best option though. What typically happens when we sit in self-loathing is we let those frustrations build up in our body, and then our grumpiness pours over. We end up snapping at our kids more. It’s a vicious cycle that is hard to break.
But you have another option. You can choose to break this cycle. You can put an end to the guilt and shame that nag at you and pull you out of the present. You can reconnect with your kids and move on with grace.
So no, you can’t change the past. And you don’t have to be stuck in it. Here’s what you can do instead:
Identify your warning signs.
What is the first thing you notice that tells you you’re spiraling into a grumpy pit? Is it the way you tell your kids bye before school? Is it a tone you notice in your voice? Is it the feeling you get at the end of the day when you’re annoyed at everything around you? What is the very first thing that tells you you’re heading in this stuck direction? Make a mental (or physical note of it).
Get curious about it.
Now that you’re aware of how you can recognize when you’re getting into this guilt and shame pit, you can use it. We don’t want to be stuck in the past, but we want to use it to learn and grow and change our present and future. So get curious. Explore what’s hiding behind that warning sign.
Think back on your experiences growing up. How were you taught to deal with stress and frustration? When your parents got frustrated with you, how did they handle it? Did they snap at you in ways that hurt your feelings, and if so, did they repair from that? Or was it buried away, swept under the rug only to build up as more frustration directed at you?
Get curious about your present experiences. What has been going on that could be making you snappy, on edge, easily annoyed? Are you taking on too many projects? Is work extra stressful and you haven’t had time for your normal self-care outlets? Are your kids in a particularly challenging phase that requires an even higher level of patience from you? Whatever is going on, just get curious and notice your experience.
Forgive yourself and move forward.
This step is going to really require a mindset shift. It can really take some thought work to forgive yourself. It’s hard when we feel guilty to stop beating ourselves up. We think if we feel bad enough, we won’t make the same mistakes again. That’s not usually the case. Remind yourself; write it on a sticky note on your bathroom mirror, set a daily alarm to read this, and hold it as a mantra: you are human. Mistakes help us grow. You can learn from it and give yourself grace.
Keep going back to this step when you need. Guilt and shame work to make us feel stuck and incapable of being or doing better. Recognize it, move through it, and let it go.
Use your mistakes to learn from them.
This is where you can really start to move forward. Ok, so you snapped at your kids. Now you get to show them what genuine relationship repair is.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you this morning, and I know that must have hurt your feelings. No one deserves to be snapped at. Me being stressed and frustrated is not an excuse for not communicating clearly and calmly with you. Is there anything you want to share with me about how it made you feel, or what you need now?” Let your child share their part of this and allow them to feel seen and understood with your presence.
Now of course, we know kids sometimes do make mistakes and behaviors must be corrected. It’s ok to still acknowledge that, while taking responsibility for your own role. “I am going to work on how I talk to you when I feel frustrated. I also want you to know that you can choose better actions, too. If I ask you to do something, you are expected to listen and follow directions.”
Keep showing up and doing the work.
Once you’ve repaired, now it’s about continuing this work as you move through stress. Next time (maybe the next day, or even the next hour), work on noticing your warning signs sooner. And when you notice yourself getting frustrated, take a breather. Even if you have to give yourself a 5 minute time out, take deep breaths, walk away and come back. Remind yourself: You are learning and growing. You get to model for your children what it’s like to be imperfect, loving, and grace-filled as a human.
Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. You’re not going to get it all right, have a perfect day, and be able to check life lessons off the to-do list. You are ever-evolving, and your relationship with your family can evolve too.
TL; DR:
You’re not going to always get it right as a parent, but you don’t have to be continuously haunted with guilt either. Here’s what you can do when you realize you’ve messed up:
Identify your warning signs- how will you know when you’re headed toward frustration overload?
Get curious- understand what’s going on. What narratives were you given about how parents handle stress? What have you been dealing with lately that might be bubbling up?
Forgive yourself so you can move forward. Give grace; you don’t have to be perfect.
Use your mistakes as opportunities for learning and growth.
Keep showing up, for yourself and your kids. Don’t let mom-guilt sabotage your relationship with your children. You get to show them what coping, repairing, and connecting looks like in the midst of chaos.